My darling Sandra,
I had the strangest dream last night. I dreamt that I was in the middle of the ocean, swimming. You have known me all my life so you know that I cannot swim. Nevertheless, I was swimming, moving on top of the water as if I was born to swim. It was day but the heat of the sun didn’t bother me and I wasn’t scared. The tranquility conquered over all my fears, worries and my sorrows. It was a magical feeling to see the azure of the sky gently kiss the aqua of ocean at the horizon.
There the scene changed. Once again, it was daytime and found myself standing on a strangely familiar balcony. I say ‘strangely familiar’ because neither did it belong to the house we grew up in nor to any of the residences I have previously lived in. Despite that, it felt like mine. It was a small balcony, fenced by ornate wrought iron railings painted black. It seemed to have rained earlier, which left the cobbled stone path wet. Soon my eyes adjusted to the rest of the details and that’s when I saw it, obliging onlookers, such as myself, with its colossal presence, the Eiffel Tower.
Do you remember our trip to Paris when we were little? It was our first and only trip with Mom. I still remember she said, “It’s so beautiful. So much love in the air, it moves me.” I hardly understood a word of that. Therefore, I arrived in Paris this morning, hoping I too am moved by love.
I have found lodging in the heart of the City of Love, close to the Eiffel Tower and have settled in a small but cozy room. Yes, it’s warm and welcoming however, that’s not why I decided to stay here. Sandra, it has the same balcony from my dream and the same view. The sense of déjà vu took me by surprise and I was reminded of the rest of the dream.
In my dream, I saw a young woman playing with a little girl and a boy. I assume they were hers because watching her quietly made me feel as if it was mom… with us.
She looked so much like our own mother, same black hair, similar features and hazel green eyes. The resemblance was uncanny. She even had the same smile, which always assured us that no matter how bad things got, it won’t last forever.
Things didn’t go so well, Sandra. In the pursuit of every little happiness that money can buy, I gradually lost the real joie de vivre and eventually, hope too.
I don’t know what love looks like or feels like and I certainly don’t know what it means when Molière says, “To live without loving is to not really live.” However, I think, it’s like swimming in the ocean, without any inhibitions, without fearing the consequences, even if you don’t know how to swim.